Lonely to Lovely

by Lo on July 12, 2010

I woke up early on Saturday morning, just as Ben was getting to sleep after working on a song deadline through the night. I walked Big and then went to the farmer’s market.

I walked around and gathered vegetables for the week and then sat at a little cafe and drank a cup of coffee. Sitting there all by myself, I felt really lonely. I started lamenting about home, wishing I was there and not in Los Angeles. I cried a little. My head began to spiral around the thought that Ben and I had nothing here worth staying for. Zach of course, but he was busy, and I hadn’t seen him all week anyway. Really, what was the point? What did we think was going to happen here that was worth being so lonely?

I sat for a long time, watching families and couples and friends stroll by. It seemed like I was the only person there alone. I felt miserable.

Ben was still sleeping when I got home, so I quietly unpacked the groceries, ate some breakfast, and read. I didn’t feel any better, but when Zach came over to pick us up for an “adventure” he had planned, I did my best be happy. And I was a little–it always makes me smile to see him, but I had already given the day over to the dark side. I didn’t even feel like doing anything, but he was pretty excited.

By the time he had given me all of the hints about what we were doing for the day, I thought we were driving two hours up the coast to watch shooting stars from special chairs that floated in the water.

On our way to the adventure, we had to stop at his friend’s house to pick up some snacks for the road. When we pulled into the driveway, there was an It’s a girl banner strewn across the tree. There were streamers circling the wooden posts of deck and balloons floating around the pool. Through the bushes, 20 people were gathered and yelled Surprise! Zach had planned a west coast baby shower for us. My heart sank–I couldn’t believe it. He had gotten all of the friends we have made in L.A. together to celebrate our baby.

It was such a beautiful day. We swam, we ate, we laughed. And I cried for the second time that day, when I opened a card that everyone had written in. But this time the tears weren’t sad ones. I realized that I was foolish to think that Ben and I had nothing here–and I realized that I was truly lucky. We have a family here, too, and they had all come together to show us that we were loved.

Sometimes, maybe because everyone is busy and spread out and doing what we are doing here, this place can feel really lonely. I’m used to seeing someone I love (besides Ben) everyday. I grew up less than a mile from my aunts, my cousins. In Rochester, I have coffee with my sister every morning and I couldn’t go to the market by myself if I wanted to.

Here, I could go two weeks without catching a glimpse of a friend, which sometimes makes me think I don’t have any. Saturday started out as one of those sometimes, but it sure ended differently. It will long live in my heart.

{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }

Kathleen Heffernan July 20, 2010 at 8:47 pm

Love this story, I feel like that a lot here and I’m truly blessed to have Ben & you in the same town! Even though we don’t see each other everyday it is comforting and makes it more “home” to know you are here!
Now, call me and let’s go for a walk and talk!
x. Kathleen

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